And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
