they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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