After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
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Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
we should paint friendship bongs
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