i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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