I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
