Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
