True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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