I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
