I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
