im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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