Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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