new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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