Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
