Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
