Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
