dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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