'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
