Me too!
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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