That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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