so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
