this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
