GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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