Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
