The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
