I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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