Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
