at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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