I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
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We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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