I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
nutella sex= disaster
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
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