There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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