btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm getting married
To pizza
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
