My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
