he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize