I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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