bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
