the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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