I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
