So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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