we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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