The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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