He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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