Someone shit on the floor
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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