I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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