so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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