I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
