my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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