He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
