Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
