I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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