If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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