I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
