I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
