I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
