sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
