Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
