yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
