next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
