in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
