she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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