I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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