I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
