If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
